With 4 major events on the same long President’s Day weekend, including a huge blockbuster Sale at Mattresses are Us, Miamian’s are bracing for what could be the worst traffic since the Woodstock Festival in 1969.

City traffic planners said about the holiday. “We didn’t have to make elaborate plans for our mock disaster training. One just crept up on us. What luck! All we need is a crane to get trapped in an overpass near the entrance of the airport and we’ll have a ‘Mega-Jam’.”

Stuck near the entrance of Key Biscayne, Jorge Ramos posted “The fun hasn’t started and I’ve been stuck here since Tuesday. I left the office on Friday and haven’t seen my kids for three days. This is almost like a ‘lost weekend’ except without the drinking.”

‘Think of the boost in local revenue from vendors selling, well everything, to stranded motorists” said tourism officials. “It’s a whole new level of business for that cottage industry.”

With the probability of bumper to bumper traffic on most major arteries, The FDOT pre-emptively shut down State road 836. ‘This is our chance to fill a couple of potholes” stated chief of road construction Jim “James’ Harbott. “We could only dream of a situation like this. It’s a ‘perfect storm’ for the commuters. They’ll never get home.”

Coconut Grove Arts Festival officials confirmed, “We may have to hold some of the vendors here for another couple of days. That would serve a two-fold purpose. First, they could profit from more buyers and also they can’t leave!”

“The Tom Tom Traffic Index rates Miami as having the 7th worst traffic mess in the entire country” said Miami City Commissioner Roger Knaidle, “Maybe this weekend with any luck we’ll bump that rating up into the top 5.”