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Published: June 11 2016

In the interest of public service we’d like you to be aware of the State of Florida regulations for the renewal of your driver’s license.

Step 1, Sit down, drink the beverage of your choice and open the book of regulations

Step 2, Don’t get excited, many people have gone through the process on which you are now embarking. That’s why you had that drink.

Step 3 Think about moving to Georgia where the rules are probably easier

Step 4, Just kidding about step 3, but bring your birth certificate with you if you were born here in the USA. If not born here, have an affidavit stating you were born somewhere else. Have it signed by an important official from your native country.

If the person from the driver’s license bureau cannot pronounce your name or the name of the country in which you were born just tell them Sweden. If they look at you funny and start to reach for a phone, tell them it was really a near-by country and the border was moved too many times to keep track.

Step 5, List any infractions you have been cited for or think you should have been cited for in the previous 15 years. Include alternate side of the street parking violations.

This is a crucial step to determine if your lack of driving skills comes down to the driving level of many of our metropolitan areas. If you’re a good driver, just be aware that our chance at staying on the top ten of worst drivers in America might be in jeopardy.

We’ve added a couple of helpful hints: Does Florida law need you to keep your driver license address current within 10 days after moving? Thanks for asking. Yes! Since most people wait until they are stopped for an infraction to start the paperwork, we’re giving you the #1 excuse. “I didn’t technically move because most of my stuff is still in my parent’s house”.

If you currently hold a credit-card style license issued after 1996 you’ve got it made.

If not, just sit down and have another drink, take out your #3 Ticonderoga pencil (black only) and fill out form AASFL-486-3-HH04 front and back which can be obtained by calling the Florida Driver License Bureau in Tallahassee and being put on hold for 2 full business days. If you’re still holding on the third day, they know you’re serious and will take action. ‘Take action’ is Tallahassee speak for ‘let’s go on a break’.

If the Division of Motorist Services requires you to certify where you live, don’t worry, just tell them the truth even if you’re in prison and have no need for a driver’s license. Ask your prison ‘roommate’ who will verify almost any information for a carton of cigarettes.

Step 6, Why get a license in one of the worst areas for ‘road rage’ in the entire country anyway?