After we welcome you, then what? A guide for visitors.

Hello international tourists. Hola, Bienvenu and Kon Nichiwa!  Miami International Airport wants to make you feel more welcome. You are the lifeblood of our economic system and we’d like you to enjoy spending whatever money you have or can get before you go home to your native land.

Airport and tourism officials unveiled a campaign that includes informational posters and digital displays designed to brighten up the sometimes exasperating task of getting through immigration, passport control and a cab ride to your destination. This type of publicity has been used before, but now with brighter colors and short, easy to read words, it differentiates the current from past marketing efforts. It also justifies the existence of the new advertising promotion budget.

After you leave the airport you’ll need to master local customs. Here are some helpful hints to make your stay fun and will get you home alive.

When you’re about to cross a busy street don’t point to the crosswalk. In your native land drivers will stop for you. Not here. This will confuse the drivers into thinking there’s something in the road they need to avoid. They will swerve dangerously close to you while shouting something you don’t understand.

If you’re visiting from England, you’ll see that we drive on the wrong side of the road. ‘Nuff said. Refer to previous paragraph.

Be aware that guns are ubiquitous which means that everyone is ‘packing’. Don’t say anything to anyone that will offend them like “Did you know climate change is real?” or “How do I get to Disney World?”

Do not under any circumstances agree to go somewhere ‘touristy’ and ‘kiss a dolphin’. This is an old trick designed to separate you from your money. Dolphins who have been scammed into agreeing to this sordid act make very little from this promotion.

If you don’t look like ‘us’ don’t worry, we regard all ‘aliens’ with suspicion. It’s just our way of dealing with a changing world. Purchase a plaid shirt, wear black socks with your sandals and keep a large styro-foam cup of café Cubano within reach which you will give to the locals as a peace offering.

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