Buzz Fleischman - Columnist Page. Our town is planning on building a dog park and we would like you to sponsor it. If you do, we would be honored to name it after your company.

We eagerly await your reply.

The Dog Park Committee of Friendlyville

PS
Actually, there is some urgency at hand and if you have a moment to spare from your busy day of feeding dogs all across America, I'll tell you about it.
Our town is a typical small community. Our neighborhoods are filled with wonderful people who help each other, and when we complete our dog park, it will be another source of pride for the community.

Here's the crux of the matter. You see, the people from Friskies cat food got wind of the dog park, so to speak, and, well, you know how territorial cats are; they wanted in.
Friskies, representing a small albeit vocal group of felines was purr-fectly
(I couldn't resist) willing to share the cost if we would consider calling it the Friendlyville Cat and Dog Park.
Of course cats would be welcome in a dog park but they would be on their own, much like a network censor listening to a live monologue by 30 Rock's unpredictable Tracy Jordan. They would have to constantly be on their toes and be ready for the worst.

After thinking about it, you don't walk cats. Cats walk you. You really can't get a cat to go where it doesn't want to go, so the felines, who want in, would probably be tough street cats and wouldn't take any guff from a dog. That means random cat and dog skirmishes. The dog owners might not go for that.

The situation has been further complicated when someone tipped off Hartz Mountain. They thought they could chirp in a little money (bird joke!) and then we would have to call it a dog, cat and bird park. I've never seen someone walk a bird, but we could hang the cages around the park to get a rise out of the cats, which would provide entertainment for the dog owners. Come to think of it, if you add birds, then the fish people would feel slighted.
By now the sign at the entrance should be 6 feet long. Are you still with us?
My argument was that you can't walk a fish, but go tell that to the walking catfish. Talk about a fish out of water!
The committee discussed the fish people, and decided to invite them and the bird owners. As it is, the wild parrots who call our town home, would flock there just to harass the dogs and they would probably buzz the cats as well. I would hate to think of what could happen if a slow parrot and a fast cat meet up. The caged birds would see all the fun the wild birds were having and they'd want their freedom too!
Then there's the case of Charlie's pet Iguana. He says the Iguana is quite tame and could use a little company; besides, he'd fill in any holes the Iguana digs.
We like Charley, so he's in.

At this point you're probably thinking, "What a can of worms", uh, wait a minute, gosh; we forgot about the worms!

Never mind!

Respectfully,
The ex-Dog Park Committee of Friendlyville

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