Buzz Fleischman - Columnist Page. Unsolicited mail keeps the United States Postal Service alive!
We have been on the national ‘Do Not Call’ list since it came into existence. This is arguably the most valuable and least hassle free service the government provides. Now if they only had a ‘Do Not Send’ list….
I think I signed a petition in 1984 to save a whale. Since then my name has been passed around more than ‘the buck’ in Washington. I could have bought a boat, put it to sea, found that damn whale and saved it from who knows what, and it would have been less trouble than being on hundreds of lists.
Publisher’s Clearing House? I know what they’re clearing. They’re clearing all the magazines out of their warehouse and sending them to your house and no matter what you do, just like that little Dutch boy, you will not stop the flow of magazines to your house.
During the first onslaught of magazines, and being naïve to what was to become a deluge, I received a subscription offer for ‘Reader’s Digest’. It was something like $2.29 a year, or 90% off the regular subscription rate. It sounded good so I signed up.
It had gotten a little smaller than I remember. I guess they were saving paper. Good for them! The large print edition could fit about a full sentence on the page. When the first issue was delivered they included about 75 offers. The envelopes had flowers with witty sayings like “So good to have you in our family”. I didn’t respond.
Thereafter every month brought value coupons, offers and on the 4th month they wanted to renew at a rate lower than what I was paying. How did they stay in business? Also I think they dropped the ‘Humor in Uniform’ piece.
I let the subscription lapse because the stories of ‘My most unforgettable character’ all started to sound the same.
Nothing happened for a month. Then a letter arrived. On the outside of the envelope in bold letters it said; “You can still renew at our low rate’. The following week, “Order now before it’s too late”. And then, “Only 2 weeks left before time runs out. Better hurry, order now. Last chance to order Mr. Fleischman,don’t be left out. Your neighbors are talking to us about you”.
This barrage kept up 2 or 3 times a week for the next month. I wrote to them, I wanted to be left out. I didn’t want to be included. I guess this ticked off someone in the ‘Don’t you realize we can sell your name to every merchant on the planet department?’
I started receiving offers from time shares, car dealers, insurance and mortgage companies, credit cards with no monthly fee and businesses that ‘would not be undersold’ and would accept any competitors coupons! These patriotic companies are the ones that keep the Post Office operating.
“Please take me off your list”, I said, “I have unfortunately passed away last month and the cemetery will not forward this mail”.
Then…..nothing. A week later it started up again except it took a somber tone.
“Where are you?” “We miss you” the envelope said. The letter inside was from a ‘senior editor’ who may have been in charge of deceased readers.
Then it happened! Another unwanted solicitation, but this time they made a big mistake. I received 3 crisp dollar bills in an envelope from a survey company with instructions on writing down the TV shows I watched that week. The dilemma: Is that effort really worth three dollars or were they doing that ‘guilt scenario’ thing trying to obligate me?
What would you do?
We didn’t renew our membership in AAA and a month later the calls started coming in. The woman was pleasant enough “Why didn’t you renew? Was it the service? If I can only ask you a few questions.”. I heard reams of paper being unfolded in the background and knew this was not good. The company doesn’t need to question our motives. What part of ‘No’ didn’t they understand? Are we on some master list?
