Buzz Fleischman - Columnist Page. The '3 second rule' for dropped food picked up and expanded by Legislators.

Eating bad food was the only thing they could agree on, so Washington overhauled the food safety laws to make food safer. In a breath-taking overwhelmingly non-partisan vote Congress stepped up to this latest legislative buffet, took a bite and proclaimed it safe.

"We didn't drop the ball this time like that 'mad cow' thing a couple of years ago" said an unidentified legislative aide.

In addition, the iconic diagram of cow parts that hang on the wall in butcher shops may now include various woodland animals like squirrel and woodchuck which could be utilized for food if there's a 'national worst case scenario' like an 'angry birds' or 'ticked off pig' scare.

Gathered in front of, appropriately, a Safeway Market in the Washington suburbs, some of the lawmakers said the hardest part of the new legislation for them to swallow was expanding the much vaunted '3 second rule' for dropped food which would now be 5 to 7 seconds depending on how far from the table or food preparation area it was actually dropped. They said "This is one area that we leave to you because the cost of 'home monitors' for enforcement would require funding similar to an average bank bailout". A few smirking Senators added "No one's really counting" as they winked at the gathered news people "just try to keep your floors clean, we'll lower the standards as necessary."

To make some sort of point, a number of the assembled legislators dipped a couple of '7 second rule' Fritos into a mayonnaise based dip that had been sitting in the sun all morning and pronounced it tasty. Ambulances were lined up behind the building 'just in case'.

They maintained that food was still as safe as it can be as long as your immune system is working properly, but due to some pesky lobbying by the pharmaceutical industry, vitamins may now move from the realm of dietary supplement to that of 'smokeless' tobacco products with a warning label that could say, "Being too healthy could be hazardous to your health".

According to a survey by Consumer Reports, people said they were more likely to learn about food product recalls from TV news than from any other source, and in an effort to cut the corners on consumer awareness outreach, legislators urged consumers to 'Watch more TV".

"Let's work together to insure our food supply is in good hands" the head of the Immigration and Naturalization Service chimed in and added "There's a steady supply of food service workers with valuable knowledge of handling food for small foreign countries and those people are still alive aren't they? Let's give them the chance to earn enough to keep those families fed even though an overtime clause is not in the mix for any legislation in the foreseeable future".

They then met their lobbyists at an expensive Washington restaurant for lunch.

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