Buzz Fleischman - Columnist Page. The largest Burmese python ever caught was captured in the Florida Everglades. That’s right, almost your back yard. Better go out and close the gate now.
The python apparently made its way from Washington D.C. where slithery crawly predators proliferate. The snake measured 17ft 7inches weighing 164lb or the size of an average 6th grader.
It was lying in the road digesting a noontime snack when a Florida D.O.T. road crew painted a double-yellow line over the reptile. Immediately seeing their mistake, they began poking the dormant creature until realizing it was still alive and then called AAA for help. Even their AAA-Plus ‘extrication/winching benefit’ didn’t apply and they were forced to call the State authorities.
The python - now thankfully dead - was pregnant with 87 eggs, also believed to be a record. P.E.T.A. is now looking for the father to charge him with neglect and failure to provide support.
The next logical step for researchers was to see if they had a pan, large enough to accommodate all the eggs. The resulting creation was submitted to the Guinness Book of Records as the world’s largest and most un-edible omelet.
“Even with fried onions and a strong mature cheddar cheese to disguise the aroma, we couldn’t bring ourselves to taste it knowing where it came from” said Bob Hasbrough, head researcher at the Python project. He added, “It was gamey and disgusting. We had to recruit college students and tell them it was a blind tasting for the local culinary school graduation exam. As strong as their stomachs were, they dropped out by the droves. The good news is that there are plenty more students willing to work for minimum wage.”
Scientists have tracked non-native Burmese pythons to the edge of the Everglades where they have been blamed for a staggering decline of small Pekinese dogs and wayward children. “When and if they make it to the Markham Park area, slither onto 595 and slow rush hour traffic traveling east into downtown Fort Lauderdale, is when we’ll ask the governor to declare a ‘state of emergency’.
It’s not like we hate the snakes, but when they get run over by texting drivers, it’s hard for our crews to clean up the mess. There’s no overtime in the budget for that.
The shock to scientists
