Buzz Fleischman fortlauderdaleconnex.com Columnist Page A bucket list is what you want to do before you die. An un-bucket list is things you will never do.

I will not run a marathon. Picture yourself running from Fort Lauderdale to Miami Beach. That's 26 miles. On the other hand it might be less risky than driving there.

I will never try to guess a woman's age in mixed company.

I will never eat haggis, the national dish of Scotland. If I want to see sheep's heart, liver and lungs simmering in the animal's stomach for three hours, I'll accidentally glimpse it on the Travel Channel as 'Bizarre Foods' host Andrew Zimmern gets ready to chow down. On second thought I'll just change the channel. I will also never eat something that is trying to escape the plate. That means I'll never go to China for the 'Live Insect Larva Festival'

I won't tie a rubber cord to my ankles and jump off a bridge. I'd have to tie each overweight member of Congress to the rest of the cord, and jump last so I'd have a good cushion.

I will not get Botox, Lifts/Tucks, or liposuction to plump, lift, tuck, or suck any portion of my anatomy. I will not allow shallow people to dictate what they think I should look like.

I will not go on safari for an up-close and personal study of the giant meat-eating ants of the Congo.

I will not learn a foreign language that uses spitting and choking as vowels.

I cannot in good conscience sign up for the New York Times 'weekender.' They will mail you reminders about renewing every week for the rest of your life. Besides, I remember what a 'weekender' was in college. It wasn't about reading the paper.

I will never attend a heavy metal concert in the mosh pit. Someone might jump off a stage expecting me to pass them along to the person behind me, and I don't want to catch a dude who's got metal studs and spikes coming out of his clothing -- and skin. I would think that being 'current' on your tetanus shot would be a mosh pit requirement.

I will never again walk into a gay bar wearing a gorilla suit.

I will never watch any episodes of the 'Twilight' series. Vampires are not part of my life and even if I travel to a Transylvania-like country on vacation I will not go to their native theme park, 'Drac-U-Land,' even if there's a 2-for-1 stake dinner.

I do not use items that say in large bold letters 'Light Fuse, Get Away.' If the person who makes 17 cents a week in the fireworks factory is having a bad day and decides to insert an extra-quick short fuse because they know that someone who has been drinking on that holiday will not have the best reflexes to actually 'get away,' I don't want to give them that satisfaction.

I will never attend a vegan bean-dish–of-the-month party in a small room with sealed windows.

I will not run with the bulls.

I will not waste my time deciphering my phone /internet service bill.

I will never listen to a recorded message from a politician and will try to break my own record of a two-second 'hang up.'

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