Details

Published: September 26 2012

I just bought a Bemis Supreme for my wife. You’re thinking, “What is this, the international model of a well-known vehicle, maybe cousin to the infamous ‘Yugo?’ Not really.

I knew had purchased a top of the line model and that it would perform as specified by the manufacturer. I have to tell you that the Bemis line has been utilized by some of the biggest names in the best places. I could have bought the standard model and been very happy with it, but this was the best toilet seat money could buy.

In addition, it was the one household necessity I could install without those pesky instructions slowing me down.

Let me start at the beginning.

Buzz Fleischman - Columnist Page. We had bought an inexpensive padded toilet seat for ten bucks on sale. It had one of those diagonal paper wrappers, the kind you see in hotels with the words, ‘Sanitized for your protection’ on it. I trust that label like I would trust Congress to actually do something…….anything.

I hoped it wasn’t a refurbished seat, then, legally it would have to come with a history. It would be more than I needed to know. Aside from a slight noise it made when utilized, very similar to a whoopee cushion but with less, well, ‘whoopee’, it was fine.

The hardware wasn’t really of good quality so it loosened with age and moved at the most inappropriate times; like the middle of the night. At those wee small hours you’re thinking ‘Let me not totally wake up so that I can just slip back into blissful sleep’.

There were just too many nights of that lateral seat movement and jarring yourself awake. I decided to take the plunge, so to speak, and shop for a new seat. I salivated at the thought of going to see the toilet seat display at Home Depot.

The hardware superstore had a very large array of toilet seats. The way they were hung from the shelves reminded me of a museum display.  They ranged from the cheap seats to the most expensive models. Like cars, they came in styles, and equipped with features. There were seats with artist’s renderings of a dog named ‘Chet’ and a cat named ‘Kiki’.

I guess they thought that if you were of a mood, you could whimsically call out to anyone in the house, “I’m going to see “Kiki” and they would know what you meant. There were models called the “Santa Anna Breeze” and The “Santa Fe Medley” One can only guess how the manufacturer arrived at these names. I looked at the model that was named ‘Plastic Majesty’ which was an oversized seat, and if I chose that, it certainly would have sent the wrong signal to someone trying to lose weight.

I also looked at the ‘plastic slow close hinge seat’. I guess that meant you couldn’t accidentally slam it shut in the middle of the night and scare the heck out of everyone.

One could only infer it was made for people who didn’t care if everyone in the house knew they had just used the facilities. 

What about truth in advertising? Why not name these toilet seats for what they really are. What about the ‘Big Butt’? Who couldn’t resist the ‘Reading Room Classic’? There could be the ‘Spartan’, for those who just want a bare bones type of seat. Or when you hear “Did you fall in?” you could buy the model called the “I’ll be right out”. 

{module get-this-humor}