Details

Published: November 18 2011

Buzz Fleischman fortlauderdaleconnex.com Columnist Page The Joint Select Committee on Deficit Reduction (JSCDR) has been operating behind closed doors as it tries to break a deadlock between its six Democrat and six Republican members. If the committee cannot decide on cuts to the budget, $1.2 trillion will summarily be cut from programs that do not have at least 28 lobbyists per billion (LPB).

We have obtained, through great risk to their credibility, a copy of the minutes of the JSCDR's last meeting.

8:30 AM -- By prior agreement, the meeting is called to order simultaneously by the committee co-chairs. Although partisanship was the ultimate goal, a debate breaks out as to the actual time it was called. Watches are then synchronized for tomorrow's meeting, marking the only time members are in full agreement.

8:40 AM -- A joke about the use of the word 'Joint' in the committee's name is brought up for discussion when it is thought to reference certain drug usage. After half-hearted denials of usage by most members, a vote is taken to eliminate the word. John Kerry, (D) and a Viet Nam veteran abstains. 'Joint' is kept in.

9:01 AM -- Vote called to see who sits on right and who sits on left side of table. Republicans object to seats 'anywhere near the middle of anything' and refuse to vote.

9:10 AM -- Discussion on seating ends with members pouting openly. Ultimately, they arrange to seat themselves by 'length of service' with the longest-serving members facing the window in the morning to see the sun rise with a complete reversal of seating after lunch so the members with the least time in Congress can see the shadows of the cherry blossom trees as the sun sets.

9:15 AM -- Discussion on which day would work best for 'Bring your lobbyist to work day.' In a rare show of solidarity, it was decided that every day that ended in a 'Y' would be the choice.

9:25 AM -- Jim Clyburn (D), oldest member at 71, moves to include at least six 'potty breaks' a day. Pat Toomey (R), youngest member at 49, objects and moves to include only two. A vote is taken and in a rare show of solidarity the two members appoint a sub-committee to study the matter for the possible funding of a two-way, voice-activated sound system to be installed in the bathroom so that members do not miss any of the 'valuable discussion.'

9:45 AM -- Mid-morning break sponsored by Pharmaceutical Company of America (PCA) Drugs are liberally distributed to all members.

10:00 AM -- Jon Kyle (R) objects to Patty Murray (D) using the trash can on the Republican side of the table to throw out her crumpled notes. Arguments ensue on both sides of the issue. A vote is taken to not take notes and 'simply remember' what was said.

10:15 AM -- After much deliberation from both sides the committee decides that the snack machines in the Senate waiting room must contain 50 percent content from Democratic majority States and 50 percent Republican.

11:50 AM -- Discussion over which lobbyist buys lunch. The majority agreement is that they all do.

12 NOON -- Lunch brought in by part-time, non-union servers, funded in part by a Federal grant to explore the feasibility of expanding the USDA food pyramid for elected officials to include Foie Gras De Canard, Matsutake mushrooms and Beluga Caviar.

2 PM -- Meeting re-convened

2:02 PM -- A Republican proposal to raise revenue by selling public assets in order to grow the economy is brought to the table. Democrats hold the line on putting Hoover Dam up for bids. During the latest stalemate, a fight breaks out over which member could get the right to award the contract to move the dam overseas.

2:30 PM -- Hoover Dam is re-named Chiang Guy Shin Dam in honor of the broker for the project.

3 PM - Meeting adjourned.

{module get-this-humor}