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Published: November 28 2011

Buzz Fleischman fortlauderdaleconnex.com Columnist Page Very expensive restaurants exist to teach you a lesson.

I have learned a fundamental food law of the universe, arrived at after having dined at a very expensive restaurant.

The food law states that the length of the waiter's descriptions of the individual parts of the meal are proportional to their price. The longer and more flowery the description, the more it costs.

In other words, when you order a hot dog you say, "Gimme a hot dog." The vendor says, "Mustard and kraut?" You say, "yes." End of story.

But if you walk into a restaurant with a cute French name that means 'small portions' and everyone who serves introduces themselves to you, then, get ready, you are about to experience 'Buzz's Law of Food.'

The wait staff knows you are about to drop the equivalent of their rent on one meal and they -- Michael, David, James, Robert and Phillipe (no nicknames please, we're French) -- are also hoping you're a good tipper.

You're escorted to a white, 400-thread count linen-topped table with an exotic, prize-winning orchid in a Lalique vase set 10 millimeters east of the tastefully tiny ebony salt and peppermill.

Without breaking stride, Michael, your cheerful server promptly pulls out your chair and places the brocade napkin on your lap in one sweeping movement, with such finesse and precision that if it were a category in the Olympics he would receive a '10.'

He presents the regular menu, a sheet of the evening's specials and a wine list that you can't pronounce.

We asked about the goose liver appetizer. There was a '24' after it. No dollar sign, so I hoped that wasn't the age of the goose. I wouldn't know if 24 was young or old for a goose, anyway.

We asked Michael to tell us about it. He said "You're talking about the Apple Terrine of Foie Gras with Apple Brioche Charlotte, Fresh Blackberry Sauce, and Upland Cress.

"The Foie Gras was flown in yesterday from Sarlat, France; it was permitted to age for 24 hours and will be cooked in a low temperature oven to prevent searing. The chef will then braise it in a demi glace (demi GLAHss) and perch it upon three very tiny crackers that were selected for their shape as well as their taste. It will then be placed alongside a charlotte of warm Granny Smith Apples, creating an interesting composition of contrasting temperatures. The upland Cress will be placed by a sous chef who studied at Pace School of Design in Manhattan. May I suggest for each a small port glass of estate bottled late harvest Sauvignon Blanc from the exact center of the Napa Valley to complement?"

I caught my breath. This guy was good!

I could have eaten the entire 'foie' in one small bite, but we shared and savored. It looked like a Cajun chicken Nugget but the taste was beyond compare.

Michael visited the table more times than Congress delayed campaign finance reform.

"What about the lobster special?" I asked as he reached cruising altitude with "Your four-pound lobster was not caught, but gave itself up after a full life of discovery crawling the upper Penobscot Bay in Maine. Its extended family was there waving good-bye as it caught a window seat and watched for the last time as the leaf peepers caravaned into the Maine countryside. It will be escorted from its pen and submerged head first into the boiling water as we hold a small vigil at its side. The Lobster will be allowed to rest in a Veloute (vel-oo-tay) thickened with rue, which has been reduced more than Paul Prudhomme after a sweat lodge marathon. It will be de-shelled and grace your plate like a Viking helmet. For this you will be eternally grateful to the chef who has decided to come in to work today, taking time off from writing his book 'The Flamboyant Flambe'".

I could tell he was enjoying the descriptions as much as we were. When dessert time arrived, with a sparkle in his eye, Michael started describing the flourless chocolate mousse fondant: "The chocolate was granted permission to sit in the plate..."

I said, "Wait a minute. The goose liver was permitted to age. The lobster was allowed to rest in its sauce and now you're permitting the chocolate to sit in a plate!"

That's why it was so expensive; the food had been trained like circus animals! We weren't only paying to eat it, but had sent it to finishing school as well.

I must admit, though, I had the most well-behaved chocolate in my life, which is more than any of my grade school teachers could have said about me.

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