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Published: December 14 2011

Buzz Fleischman fortlauderdaleconnex.com Columnist Page Thanks for choosing South Florida as your vacation destination. Quick now, what's the only 'downer' when you go on vacation? Packing, paying the bills afterward or flying?

If you answered 'flying,' you are among the many air travelers who fly coach, or as the airlines call you, 'the untouchables.'

Being cooped up in a small space with strangers, no food and not really knowing when you'll get out is sort of like being kidnapped, except you pay up front.

You pay exorbitant prices to be ferried about like chattel, not sure you'll get to your destination on time or at all, much like a letter in the post office.

If TSA discovers that a passenger has boarded with their middle name misspelled on the ticket, you may have to de-plane and wait in the airport for this 'discrepancy' to be sorted out. The good news is that it may be the last time you have to deal with your luggage until after vacation, when it gets shipped back to your home from a destination you never chose.

Is it safe? Air travel, it is said, is mile for mile a much safer way to travel than by car. But then, a car is already on the ground.

There was a time when men wore jackets and ties to fly. It was as if everyone flew first class. Now, you can fly wearing the same amount of material as a tie.

By the way, we don't have to remove our ties, if we choose to wear one on a plane, because there was never a 'tie bomber,' just a shoe bomber and someone wearing dangerous underwear. I'm just glad no one has been caught with contraband in their intestines.

If you've got the frequent flyer miles for first class, you can count yourself among those who get a seat big enough to fidget in -- and maybe something resembling real food. What they throw you in coach is on no food pyramid.

With enough miles, you're also first on, first off. The announcement goes like this:

"We'll now pre-board our first class passengers, so will our gold, platinum, executive platinum, extreme executive elite platinum, uranium, and all other privileged classes, please, when you're ready, board your aircraft. Need I remind you that with enough miles, you may have a seat on our Board of Directors or the captain's lap."

"The rest of you, line up in a disorganized bunch behind that line and when I say go, make a mad dash for whatever seats are left and don't even think about using the first class toilet, just hold it in till Pittsburgh."

Fuly screened, scanned, scoped and now on board, and don't have to fear for your safety. You can fear for your safety on the ground right here in Florida.

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