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Published: January 08 2012

Buzz Fleischman - Columnist Page In the heady hours before the clock strikes twelve, one tends to make New Year's resolutions with the resolve of a Tea Party disciple ripping away grandma's protective Social security blanket.

At that moment in time, you are all about changing your life significantly, from a sedentary chair squatter to one who can enter an Iron Man competition.

It's a big leap, but you feel you can do it -- and not because of the false courage from some fermented grapes. No, you've come to this conclusion because you were warned not to go too close to the water in your bathing suit during walrus mating season and your medical insurance will not cover an emergency room visit for a de-tusking.

I bring up this subject at this particular time because, well, it's about time for a significant percentage of us to renege on our promises.

The reality is that the half-life of a resolution is shorter than a Kardashian wedding. While treading the murky waters between self-resolve and what-the-hell-break-out-the-chocolate, you wonder if you shouldn't have signed up for that six-month introductory fitness program after listening to the sales pitch from a tanned hunk with a body mass index equal to Calista Flockhart's pinky.

What's going on here? Is the road to hell really paved with good intentions? What about Fort Lauderdale's sandy roads?

We're lucky because we've got miles of beach, perfect for running, and full of tourists who will never see us again. Tourists will give you the thumbs up because they're living vicariously through your effort. They want to do the same thing, but they're on vacation.

One sure way to know it's the New Year is when you see people jogging through the neighborhood. They may look familiar; they're the same people who went jogging for the first couple of weeks of last year.

That diet commercial that shows someone who has lost 127 pounds is unreal. I've had the small print at the end of the ad printed out, blown up and analyzed. It says, "These results are not typical. Some weight loss may vary." In other words, you'll never make it.

How can we get around exercising? I don't want to have a shake for breakfast, another for lunch and have gas until supper. I'll lose too many friends that way.

The answer is in the patch.

Want to stop smoking? That's easy; just use the nicotine patch. (Do they have them in menthol?)

We need a patch for food cravings. I'd opt for the chocolate patch. Put it on and you have the feeling of having eaten a big portion of chocolate mousse. If you can't take sugar, just slap on the one made from essence of carob, you know, the low-fat patch. None of the calories and none of the taste!

Come to think of it, life is going so fast today that patches will be a whole new industry. Everyone will jump on the patch bandwagon.

There'll be the vacation patch to make you feel you've been away for 2 weeks. The driving patch will make you feel you're driving on the Autobahn!

The bottom line? Forget about joining a gym; use the exercise patch. Sit there in the comfort of your own living room with a beer and a bratwurst while your muscles tone themselves!

And the sex patch? Let's make a resolution not to go there!

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