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Published: August 13 2012

Buzz Fleischman - Columnist Page.  Lebron solves European monetary crisis in between games. Medals at 11, but first, in other news of the biggest and best, America has produced a teen who says he has ‘Abnormally fast thumbs’ and has been named the fastest texter in America. “I thought the first time was a fluke, but then I won again and immediately hired an agent. As fate would have it, I could never be a ‘hand model’ he said, and this was the next best thing”.

Austin Wierschke entered the contest when he realized he could send a text faster than an adult could decipher it, astounded the audience with the muscularity of his thumbs and proceeded to crush an illegally parked Volkswagon between them. To practice for the competition, the 17-year-old champion said he sent almost 500 texts a day to his friends. His friends invariably texted back, “Get a Life”.

He’ll use the prize money to pay off his phone bill.

For some extra credit community hours at his high school he will go on a countrywide tour to promote hangnail research and the attendant agony to texters

The competition tested the participants on speed, accuracy and the willingness to text while driving a stick shift in heavy traffic. This new crop of teens has brought America into the forefront of people who never have to look someone in the eye and never worry about misspelling a word. In addition the new truncated alphabet is almost like the Navaho ‘code talkers’ of World war ll. Only a limited number of people understand it and they’re not talking.

Tom Thumb, the official mascot of the competition, autographed on-lookers kneecaps and generally kept the day moving along as the contestants looked like a dis-functional family at dinner each absorbed in their own device. TTYL!

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