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Published: June 05 2012

Tabloids called it a ‘Blow to sugar-holics’ everywhere. Stopping short of proposing the entire elimination of food, which he said is the primary cause of childhood and adult obesity, New York City’s Mayor, Michael Bloomberg has decided to ban 3 of the 5 basic food groups in the 5 boroughs. The good news is that New Yorkers will vote on the food groups they want to keep, sort of like the elimination rounds in American Idol.

He said, “If you eliminate any 3 of the 5 food groups, by my calculations, three fifths of the weight is gone”.

 “Of the basic food groups which include grains, vegetables, fruits, milk and meat and beans, it’s a no brainer. I would choose ‘grains’, ‘meat and beans’ and ‘fruits’ which means I can still have my black coffee and bagel in the morning and a burger with a pineapple ring at lunch and most of you would agree with me”. He then invested heavily in a number of New Jersey restaurants.

“Eliminating 3 of the 5 food groups will also cut down on our traffic problem by eliminating 3 out of 5 delivery trucks”.

Standing by his ban on large sodas Bloomberg said, “Sugar by itself is not a bad thing, but mixed with carbonated water, there’s a sort of chemical reaction that does something to swell the stomach and give the illusion of added weight, and the gas does nobody any good, especially in the subway during rush hour”.

Bloomberg calculated that New Yorkers would not simply purchase two 16 ounce cups of soda instead of the 32 ouncer, because most walk with a smart phone in one hand and their drink in the other, “and you can’t text with one hand; at least I can’t”.

Donald Trump, upon hearing the news began rehearsals of a new reality show called ‘Man Versus Food Groups’ a lighthearted look at the obesity problem in America starring Ralphie May, John Pinette and Gabriel Iglesias.

7-11 immediately changed the label on their 32 ounce ‘Big Gulp’ to read 946 milliliters. “It’s really not as much now”, winked Ed Schlatter, spokesperson for 7-11, “America never understood the Metric system, let them prove otherwise”.

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