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Published: April 24 2012

Credit: Center for Orbital and Reentry Debris Studies (Tulsa World)NASA tracks more than 20,000 pieces of orbiting space debris. They should. NASA put most of it up there! What goes up must come down.

They also say there is a 1-in-3,200 chance of satellite debris hitting a person on the ground, which are better odds than your hurricane insurance provider paying a legitimate claim.

But calculating the chance that you personally will get hit by the debris is a different figure entirely, and the odds of that happening are somewhere on the order of 1-in-several trillion or about the same as Congress agreeing on debt reform.  Tell that to Lottie Williams of Tulsa, Oklahoma. In 1997 she was struck on the shoulder by falling debris while walking. “I’m glad it wasn’t a pigeon” she said. It was later confirmed to be part of the fuel tank of a Delta II rocket. (Picture of Lottie)

And you’re not immune even while orbiting the planet.

The International Space Station had to fire its thrusters in order to steer clear of orbital debris from a Chinese satellite named Fengyun 1C after it was intentionally destroyed by China five years ago.  An hour later they had to fire them again

But orbit debris is merely child’s play compared to a near-Earth asteroid – called 2012 DA14. Put it on your calendar: February 15^th 2013 may be the end of the world as we know it.

 Astronomers say it will pass very close to Earth on that date. They estimate that, at its closest, the asteroid will be about 17,000 miles from Earth, much closer than the moon. In terms of the vast distances in space, if your head were the earth, the asteroid would be like an out of control in your face brother-in-law at your wedding.

Whoa!!

Astronomers’ calculations of asteroid orbits can be trusted. Decades ago, they knew enough about calculating orbits to send people to the moon and bring them safely back, and today, with that same technology, we can follow a GPS on our dashboard and miss 45% of the breathtaking view.

So, no, 2012 DA14 won’t strike us in 2013. But there is a remote possibility it will strike us in 2020, or later.

The question here is, how is your government protecting you, the average citizen?

We had a color-coded terrorism alert system, which was scrapped after eight years by the Department of Homeland Security. The public was often confused thinking it was some sort of rating system for the Army’s ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’ program with green being a basic combat color and red as a full dress uniform. 

Often described as useful as ‘you know what on a bull’, Washington insiders and interior decorators alike have speculated that the garish orange advisory which denoted an "elevated" risk of attack was definitely not an acceptable color palette for the 21^st Century.

The following ‘all-purpose’ system will alert us from enemies on Earth and from space.

Stage 1,   Don’t worry about anything, but take that dream vacation you wanted and put it on your credit card.

Stage 2,   Still nothing to be alarmed about, but who’s the bearded person that just moved in down the street?

Stage 3,   Don’t panic and stay calm while stockpiling food, water and toilet paper.

Stage 4,    Forget about duct tape and plastic sheets; buy ammo.

Stage 5, MOMMY!!!!!

Learn this latest code and if you haven’t been properly warned by this time, just ‘Duck and Cover’!

{module get-this-humor}